Parenting - Sometimes it just throws you a curve ball

Our second Special Olympics practice of the year was last night and Callie had a total meltdown.  Actually meltdown is way too weak a term for what happened tonight, but I can't really think of a descriptor that is strong enough.  

Usually I know what sets Callie off, but last night was a mystery.  She was running around the track the first time stopped and laid down on the track before finishing, but recovered.  It wasn't severe enough to raise my flags.  The next time around didn't go as well.

She was running ahead of me and I was chatting with another parent.  I look up to see Callie whipping her shirt off.  At first I thought it was Christian, it never occurred to me it could be Callie.  I ran as fast as I could as did the coach from the opposite direction.  There was the school's boy's lacrosse team practicing on the field as well as our whole Spec. O team.  I don't know how many people got an eye full, I was too focused on getting her redressed.

She then finished running and spiraled into a the biggest meltdown I've ever been privy to.  She started by pushing a younger girl from behind and then went after her younger preschool age sister.  She pushed then so hard they face planted into the track.  I grabbed her before she got to anyone else and then she went over the edge.  She fought me for all she's worth and if you've ever gotten a good look at her you know she is nothing but muscle.  She was kicking, hitting and spitting and throwing her shoes at me.  I got her to the ground and just laid on top of her to see if she'd stop or wear out.  We were on the ground for at least 15 min. 

 At one point she seemed like she was settling down and I suggested we call daddy or her friend.  I got Mark on the phone and by now I was almost in tears as I wasn't sure how I would get her, Chad and Christian home - at least safely.  She calmed enough to get her shoes on and I had her walk the track away from the other athletes.  I tried to get her to tell me what happened, but she wasn't able to express what the problem was.  

My theories run from a side ache or other physical ailment to hormones.  She's 11 and clearly in the midst of puberty.  Everyone was asking me what I thought had set her off.  It's such a helpless feeling to not know what is causing such distress in your child and a horrible feeling that she'd hurt other children as well.  

The coach told me she didn't think she'd be able to compete because of zero tolerance for violence, which I understood, but was so totally bummed as she loves it so much.  Coach called me later and said she'd be calling the state office today to see if she could give her another chance on the condition that she have someone next to her at all times.  I still have to find someone available to go with us and it has to be someone that knows that if she flips out it can only take a second and if your attention is elsewhere it'll be too late.  She's just too fast.  It'd likely be better if I stay on her and someone else helps with the boys.

It's time to get her up and ready for school and I'm trying to get psyched up to get going.  It's a rare thing for me to be at a loss for how to handle most parenting issues, but this one really threw me and, frankly, frightened me.  Today is a new day - I will rejoice and be glad in it.  I think I can I think I can. One foot in front of the other.  OK - here goes.

The Last shall be First

Our Jacob has brought a couple firsts to our house.  Firsts that after 10 children you just don't really expect and frankly, so far, would have lived a happy full life without experiencing them.

The first first was that Jacob initiated me into answering the age old, "you're not my mother" response of adopted children.  Amazingly none of his previous adopted siblings had spoken these words.  The last time I remember him, well, yelling it at me,  mere minutes later he was asking for my help with something.  Clearly, he didn't mean anything vitriolic by making this declaration.  Frankly it was rather amusing that he could be so intensely angry one minute and not even realize how ironic it was to request my aide the next.

Secondly, Jacob was diagnosed with learning disabilities.  Even though we've dealt with a variety of learning disabilities this label was new to us.  He has come so very far and may even catch up, thus removing this label at some point.

Then today the dentist pronounced that he has an overbite and will need braces at some point.  My reaction with each of these firsts has been - really God we couldn't just have rested on our laurels and delved into the extensive knowledge we've already gathered as ridiculously experienced parents?  Then after I give it some thoughtful consideration I think, well, we won't have to be the older people making sure they do crosswords to ward off dementia.  No, we'll be too busy developing more strategies to cope with the new challenges our children bring every day.

We often receive the compliment - "oh, but you look so young".  This is very flattering, but sometimes I think that's because no one would believe two 56 yr. olds would be stupid enough to be parenting children as young as 8.  I now am declaring it's a strategy for evading dementia.  So, if you too wanna stay young - parent your old age away.  All the cool people are doing it.

October Baby and Adoption

A couple weeks ago I saw the movie "October Baby" which is about a young woman, Hannah 19, who survived an abortion and her struggle with her identity.  Her adoptive parents have kept her adoption from her until a medical situation forces them to disclose her adoption.  "We aren't your birth parents," her father states.  She then proceeds to search out her birth parents and discovers she survived an abortion.

I've been thinking a lot about the movie the past few weeks and find myself frustrated.  Such an amazing opportunity to inform people about adoption in a positive way isn't exactly lost, but wasn't exactly capitalized on either.  During her search she encounters a police officer who asks her what she will do if she finds her mother i.e. not birthmother.  Hannah refers to her birth mom as her "real mom".  Hannah's boyfriend tells her dad, "she's not your daughter".

None of our children were survivors of an abortion, but many have had very difficult beginnings.  All of our children grew up knowing they were adopted.  We can not tell all of them that their birth parents made the best choice for them because they loved them so much as many adoptive parents are able to.   How and when we relay that information is still to be determined, but at some point what we know is theirs to know as well.  We don't deal in deception in this family.

We have had the difficult job of informing one of our adult children that they were the result of a rape. We struggled with how to tell her and whether it was the best thing to tell her, but we also knew it was her truth and she deserved to know it.  We also felt an obligation to her birth mother to honor her by telling the story so her birth daughter would understand the sacrifice she made to give our daughter life.

Not all adoptive families will react as I did and I'm sure many people will feel the overall message is  most important.  I think the fact that adoption is shown in such a negative light over and over again in the movies, especially ones made for children - Tangled and Despicable Me most recently - creates my sensitivity to cinematic adoption messages.

Believe me, I'm not overly sensitive to people's ignorance when referring to adoption, but in a movie which is celebrating life and since adoption is commonly suggested as a alternative to abortion, I expected the filmmakers to reflect adoption in a positive way.  Creating adoptive parents who have deceived their daughter her whole life by withholding such basic information is counterintuitive in promoting adoption.

Yesterday was conference day for Ella and Jacob.  Jacob has struggled with his school work since, forever.  He received special ed. services as a preschooler and was placed in a DCD, Developmentally Cognitively Delayed, classroom in Kindergarten.  Mark and I both thought and stated we did not see Jacob as having delays, he was just struggling.  Whether it was because of his prematurity and early hospitalization or being adopted at 19 mos. and the adjustment to all that I don't know.  But, we always knew he would catch up.

Yesterday I walked into the classroom and the teacher was so excited she could barely contain herself.  She said, "You won't believe what Jacob did today."  She proceeded to tell me as she was retesting him quickly before our conference to check his reading level she started at the G level, the level he'd been working on.  He aced it.  She handed him the H level - aced it and answered all her comprehension questions.  Then the I level and then the J level and that's where he began to struggle a bit.  He is now at the level which is the beginning of his grade.  It's the first time his grade level and reading level are within reach - she declared, "He will be caught up by the end of this year."

We have had the privilege to witness so many fantastic accomplishments with our kids.  We may have made some good decisions along the way that helped them to achieve their successes, but most of the kids have just had incredible perseverance.  The best decision we made was to have Jacob repeat Kindergarten.  We were able to have him take Kindergarten in two different schools which really helped as he didn't have to watch former classmates pass him up.  Our second best decision was moving him to Paideia Academy.  The way they provide their sped services and the small classroom sizes they are committed to along with their school calendar that keeps them in school from mid June till early Aug., so he retains what he learned.  He also has summer fun camp at school which is designed to help with retention and - score - he loved it!

No Not Really

Yesterday after church was cra-zee in the van.  Mark loaded most of the kids up in the van while I finished my conversation and gathered the last two.  The craziness had already begun with fights between Callie and Christian and Shannie was very unhappy for some reason.

I jump in the van as Mark runs back into church to help load the storage van as it's his Sunday to help and off we go.  I decided to do the drive through.  Ella and Jacob had play date exchanges, so Jacob was with his friend and Ella's friend was with us.  Ella starts taking down the orders.  Shannie is still unhappy and crying in the back of the van.  Callie is generally patient with Shannie, but yesterday it was just too much for her sound sensitivities.

As I'm ordering, Calle starts to yell at Shannie to be quiet.  Finally I complete the order and try to cajole Callie.  Now, she's thrown her earphones, that she wears to muff the sounds, and she's taking off her seat belt.  Ella's friend undoes her seat belt and slips into the front seat, sweetly saying, "I think I'll just sit up here."  Callie starts catapulting herself over the seat towards Shannie.  Ella grabs her and Callie's face is in Chad's face - thankfully not Christian or it'd been a total knock down drag out fight.  I'm yelling at Chad, "'Push her back Chad", but he isn't able to comprehend what he should do.  So, I stop the van in the drive through line, remove my belt and grab Callie turning her around and telling her to calm down.

It should be noted that all during this Ella and I are hysterically laughing.  Perhaps we weren't exactly conveying to Callie the seriousness of her behavior, but come one, it was crazy funny.  Callie calms down a bit and we get our drinks, but have to pull forward into the #1 spot to wait for our food.  Finally the food comes and I realize I forgot to order Ella's friend's food.  So, Ella and said friend go into the McD's and order her food.  I notice Callie putting a burger wrapping into Ella's bag, but didn't think about it.

Ella and friend return and we're just about to leave and Ella says, "Hey, where's my burger?"  Oh, so that's what Callie was doing.  She had eaten all her lunch and then Ella's in the time that they spent inside ordering friend's food.  So, of course, I didn't dare go inside and Ella didn't want to go in, so through the drive through line we go again.

I was teasing good natured friend and said, "Doesn't this sort of stuff happen in your van?"  She smiled and said, "No, not really."  Ya, I didn't think so.

And Then There Was One

About a month ago we removed the G-tube that Christian has had since birth. We really hadn't used it for the past year, but since he depended on it for so long we really wanted to wait till we knew he'd never need it again and that time had come.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term G-tube it is short for gastrostomy tube.  An incision is made directly through the abdomen and into the stomach.  There are different reasons that necessitate their use.  For Shannon, it was because she could not drink enough to sustain herself and grow properly and she also inhaled quite a lot of her liquids and frequently developed pneumonia because of it.  Callie and Christian were both premies and with sensory issues and an inability to suck they needed them as a bridge until they could overcome those obstacles and eat.

Tube feeding has been a hot topic numerous times in the media as it relates to end of life issues.  For our kids it has improved their quality of life, and yes, increased their lives as well.   For Shannon it is what sustains her and without it she just wouldn't survive. There are obviously times that their use don't make sense, but that is a subject for a different time.

Christian's reaction to the G-tube's removal was really interesting.  It was almost as if we removed a part of his body, which, after 13 years it kind of was.  He kept pulling up his shirt and showing it to us and we kept reassuring him it'd be all right.  And so it is.

Shannie's G-tube was placed at about 2 1/2yrs. of age. Callie had one when she came at almost 3 years of age.  Ella who is 10 months younger than Callie was thoroughly confused as to why all the little girls in our house had this tube on their belly but her.  She kept pulling up her shirt looking for her "button", which is the nickname for a G-tube.

Callie's G-tube fell out about 6 months after she came home from her foster home and we were unable to reinsert it.  She had been doing well eating by mouth, but we had intended to leave it in a bit to be sure.  No need to worry she's been just fine without it.  Other than the occasional leaking through the hole, that never completely closed, when she drinks a lot it's just fine.


In our family G-tubes have been a part of life for the past 13 years and as long as our Shannie is with us we will be a G-tube family, but it does feel good to be down to one.

And Then There Was One

Dude, I'm not joking - just not funny

A facebook friend recently posted this photo and caption.  I was the first to comment and had to say that as an adoptive mom I was really having a hard time finding the humor in this.  I also had to add that I do pride myself on my awesome sense of humor.  However, I was not able to find the humor in this picture and yes, I do get that these children are clearly twins.



The responses after mine generally took me to task for not lightening up.  Several of those who took me to task were themselves adults who had been adopted.  One person in particular was very aggressive towards me and made several false assumptions as to what type of parent I am.  I also asked for a reality check with several dear friends who are also adoptive parents.  Their conclusion was also that this was just not funny.

One woman's facebook comment was that adoption was never a stigma in her family and implied I'm raising my kids with a victim's mentality.  Ironically this caption is simply a propagation of the stigma of adoption - that somehow you are a lesser family member because you are adopted.

There are many ways to look at the supportive responses particularly from the adoptive adults.  From appearances neither of these adults likely were immediately recognized by others as adopted.  They were caucasian and likely their adoptive parents were caucasian as well.  It is a much different experience to go through life having to explain that you are adopted every time someone meets your family.  Having adopted both caucasian and other race children I've experienced this personally as well.

Two experiences stick out in my mind.  Kelsey was a blue eyed blond infant when we adopted her.  I took her along with our 2 biological brown eyed sons to a shoe store.  The retailer looked at my sons and then at her and asked me where she got her blue eyes.  Not wishing to get into a big discussion - trying to get in and out quickly with an infant, toddler and very busy 4 yr. old - I replied, "My mother had blue eyes."  This was a truthful statement, but of course not entirely true.  However, I did not have to explain to a complete stranger about my daughter's adoption.  This is not a choice I can make with my youngest children.

Just about 2 years ago my daughter Melissa and I were wedding dress shopping.  Melissa was adopted from South Korea and we entered the bridal store together sitting side by side at the registry desk.  They asked Melissa about when the wedding was etc.  After filling in her information they looked at me and said, "And you are?"  Maybe they really never assume the mother-type person sitting next to the young bride is, in fact,  the mother of the bride.  However, I'm likely to think if we were of the same race that is exactly the assumption that would be made.

I remember my mother talking about her friend who had two adopted daughters and how wonderful it was that they were able to match their physical characteristics so people wouldn't know they were adopted.  Clearly, the message was that it was not something you'd want to explain to people nor necessarily want them to know.  You didn't want the stigma of adoption to follow them.

It's still difficult for me to understand why these two adults were so adamantly defending the posting of this offensively captioned picture.  It is my job to promote the positive perception of adoption as an adoptive mother.  As a Christian, I also take adoption very seriously.  We believe, as Christians,  that we are adopted by God into His family and there is no greater gift than that.