Another One Flies the Nest

It's always a bittersweet day when my kids move out.  I'm happy for them, but know it'll never quite be the same again.  With this particular kid it is a definite shift in the dynamics of the family.  Although Ella is the third eldest of the next group of siblings, she is the eldest in the ability to lead as an older sibling.  She will be, and already is in many ways, the heir apparent to the throne of sibling hierarchy.

Christopher is our bridge - 6 years younger than Melissa and 6 years older than Shannon.  He is truly the middle child - five are above him and five are below him.  He is the only sibling who doesn't have a close in age brother or sister.  He is the "Boss", as Ella nicknamed him.  He was the first and still so far the only sports enthusiast of the siblings. He has never caused any serious trouble - at least that I know of so far.  It's amazing the stories some of your kids think they should tell you long after it's happened.

We are grateful he will still be near by and will still be a PCA(personal care assistant) for the younger siblings who need his services and that he will be desperate for extra cash due to his high rent.  Works for me.  I loved to tell people when Chris was old enough to watch the kids by himself that I didn't know any adult that could handle these kids by themselves.  They'd be overwhelmed.  Now, of course, the screen did much of the babysitting, but he could G-tube feed Shannie by the time he was 10 and her seizures didn't seem to freak him out either - all of which he did while also keeping track of Chad, Callie, Christian, Ella and Jacob I might add.

He has a soft spot for Shannie, although his roughhousing with her when she was little freaked people out.  I would always point out the humongous smile on her face as he as roughing her up.  Callie won his heart as well.  What he loves about her most, he often says, is that she doesn't care what people think of her.  She just does what she wants.  He always "makes" her give him a hug when they see each other for the first time.

He's been a little nostalgic the last week or so and joking about how he'll miss the constant noise and messes that come with this family.  Melissa told him how she had to have the TV on all the time when she first moved out because she couldn't stand the quiet.

Letting go is what parenting is all about.  I think I'm pretty good at it, but that doesn't mean it isn't still hard to do.

Adoption story #3 - Melissa

Every girl should have a sister and Mark really wanted to go to Korea - why not combine the two! We started the process to adopt a little girl from Korea when Kelsey was about 18 mos. We were open to special needs and were hoping she'd be under 2 yrs. old.

When her paperwork came I remember holding it thinking - I hope her BD is in the spring - already 5 family BD's between Aug. 28 and Oct. 4. Well, it was Sept. 1 - oh well it'll just be the time of year for BD's I guess. Of course we immediately fell in love with Ka-Sil Lee when we saw her. Mark wanted the name Lisa, but I wanted to keep Lee as her middle name - mine is Leigh as well, just not the Korean spelling. So, we compromised with Melissa and called her Lissy or Lissa.

Melissa had qualified as a special needs child. At 3 mos. she developed a subdural hematoma which required surgery to relieve the pressure of the blood leaking into the space between her brain and her skull. Why she developed this hematoma was unknown. It is generally from some sort of head trauma, but her foster mom said there had been no falls or bumps and there was no reason to suspect otherwise as she had a long history of taking great care of her foster children. It is a mystery to this day. Korean doctors recommended removing the shunt placed in her skull leading into her stomach after she arrived in the US. They neurologist here recommended leaving it alone as it was causing no trouble for her and it remains in place to this day. The only time it's caused any trouble was during her pregnancy - it seemed to be a situation no one had encountered and after much consideration it was again agreed to leave it be.

Although not a typical special need Melissa's conception was not ideal to put it mildly. Melissa's birthmother was a 16 yr. old farm girl from a small village outside of Seoul who was walking home from school and a Korean soldier "forced himself upon her" which resulted in her pregnancy. It was information important to her story, but made no difference to us. Regardless of the soldier's decision, ultimately God alone decided that Melissa should have life and nothing else was important to us. We knew she was meant to be our daughter. I will say that I grieve more for her birthmom then any other due to these circumstances and all that she had to cope with as a young innocent girl. I wish she could know what a great daughter she created and what beautiful grandbaby girls she has. Since that is more then unlikely, I pray she has found great joy in her life.

Mark's first international trip, other then Canada, was to pick up Melissa. He was excited and probably just a little nervous. An adoption escort, a person who brings back children to their adoptive families, asked Mark to help her move 26 boxes through customs in Korea. They loaded 2 large carts, each pushing one, and customs split them into two lanes. Customs asked Mark what was in the boxes and he replied explained he didn't know they belonged to "that lady" who had already passed through customs as she was a frequent visitor. He explained the boxes had supplies for the orphanage. They opened up one box and to Mark's dismay they were full of syringes. They then removed him to the a small room with a bright light over the chair like a movie scene of an interrogation room. They proceeded to open the boxes finding tourniquets and syringes. After about 6 boxes they called in a supervisor who was very angry and shot questions at him about what these supplies were for and why didn't he know what was in these boxes. The 13th and final box had baby clothes and formula in it - thank the Lord. Then he believed Mark's explanation and let him leave. Not a great introduction to international travel, which I might add never seemed to dim his enthusiasm for it.

Mark had some paperwork to finish up the first day in Korea and was ready to meet our little girl.  He went with Miss Park, the social worker, to the foster home where she'd been since she was born, other than when she had surgery.  Mark meet the foster parents, two other foster girls that lived with them and their biological 20ish daughter.  He was able to coax her over with an Asian pear, apparently her foster mom did not think that suitable food for a toddler.  The irony is Melissa had terrible onion breath from some onion chips her foster mom had given her.

After a bit they all went outside to walk around the neighborhood.  Many of the neighbor ladies seemed to be giggling at Mark.  He wasn't sure, but wondered if it was odd to them culturally that a man would come to get a child.  We'll never know I guess.

The next day he went back to social services to finish some more paperwork.  The building was huge, but overcrowded with hundreds of kids, foster parents and social workers.  They had a tiny elevator and it was stuffed with people.  Mark, who is generally not claustrophobic, was anxious to get out. They told Mark he would need a full fare ticket, a cost we had definitely not planned for as he'd brought an employee pass for her.  Finally, all was in order to go home.

Early the next morning the foster mom, social worker and Melissa met Mark at the airport.  The foster mom, who had been very stern and stoic looking up until this point.  Cried non-stop until Mark got onto the airplane.  He was a bit shaken by that as she'd shown no emotion previously.  In hindsight it was, of course, a good sign that she was attached to Melissa.

Melissa seemed quite bewildered by the whole situation.  While waiting for take-off Melissa fell asleep.  About an hour later she woke up and started crying and screaming, "Ahma!".  Mark didn't know what she was saying, but a Korean woman nearby explained she was crying for her mother.  He felt so sad for her.  Of course in those days we had not thought about attachment or how terribly traumatic this was for her.  Seems ridiculously ignorant, but we adopted through Children's Home Society, a very reputable agency and taken all the classes required and not once do I recall anyone mentioning the fact that this would be an emotional and heart-wrenching loss for her.  It seems so ignorant, but we all just thought we were doing a good thing and were excited to have this new daughter in our family never really considering the impact it would make on her to suffer such a loss.  Loss of the only mother she'd known, the only country, culture and language she'd known.  All of that was left behind.

After about two or three hours she finally cried herself to sleep and the rest of the trip went smoothly.  When they arrived the other kids - Chad, Conor, Jonathan and Kelsey - and I met them at the airport.  Some dear friends were also there to welcome her home.

None of her early health issues have caused any problems for her and for that we are so very grateful.
She's a beautiful, strong, smart young married woman now with two beautiful girls. I found a Korean proverb that says  - Even children of the same mother look different.  How true that is in our family.  Melissa once told me she would forget that she didn't look like us until she looked in the mirror and was reminded we didn't resemble each other. Her daughters, Kaia and Brynn, have given her faces to look at that resemble her own, something she'd been missing a long time, which I'm sure have healed some of her loss in a way nothing else could.

Thank you God for choosing us to be her parents and thanks Melissa for being our daughter.

                                                          We love you Melissa!

Menial Means Meaningful

Gratitude.  Thankfulness.  Contentment.  Satisfaction.  All great words for the month of November. Many people are submitting daily, or multiple times a day, things or people they are grateful for on facebook.  Maybe it's just inherent in the life I lead, but thankfulness is a feeling I never have trouble realizing.

Today both Shannon and Chad needed showers.  I helped Mark lift Shannon, he showered her and I dressed her and braided her hair.  Mark ran Ella and Jacob to school and I got Chad into the shower.

Every time and I mean every time I perform these, menial if you will, tasks I am overcome with gratitude.  I'm grateful that I can do these things for myself.  I'm grateful that today Shannon enjoyed her shower pain free.  I'm grateful that Chad, generally, has a wonderfully positive attitude and enjoys the process of showering, shaving, lotioning and dressing. I'm ever so grateful my body is strong and the process generally never causes me any physical pain.  I'm grateful for warm, clean water that's there whenever I need it.  I am sometimes absolutely overcome with gratitude and reminded yet again how incredibly blessed I am that I live a life that is so full of meaning and significance.

Super Storms - Super Scary

I am not a worrier at heart.  I'm really not - but - watching this monster storm, Sandy, hit the east coast creates just a bit of panic in me.  I wonder what in heavens name we would do if it happened to us.

Years ago, before our final 3 kids arrived, we lost power after a terrible thunderstorm for about 4 days.  We lasted about a two days before we packed up and hit a hotel.  Last winter we lost power a couple days and ended up at a hotel pretty quickly due to the cold.  I spent the night with Callie as I thought she'd do better at home and Mark stayed at the hotel with the kids that were left.  It was below 50 when we woke up and ran to our car hightailing it to the hotel.  Thankfully, by the time church was over the power returned and I'm even more thankful we could afford to go to a hotel, although it did blow the budget temporarily.

For us, loss of power means loss of water - we have a well, which is a lot more difficult to live without than just lights and electronics.  No water means no flushing, no showers or water to clean various people at all for any reason - catching my drift? No way to make Shannie's liquid diet, nor keep it safely refrigerated.  It's pretty much a disaster for us, but again, so far we could afford a hotel in a pinch.

So my thoughts and prayers really go out to those I know and love in the east coast, but especially those with disabled family members who have medical equipment that depends on electricity or medical disorders that make it difficult to regulate their body temperatures.  For some people it's not simply an inconvenience that'll make for awesome story telling some day.  It can be life or death and that's why I feel just a little bit panicked at the thought and ever so grateful that we are safely in the middle of this great country.

Ode to Aunt Jo

A week ago my Aunt Joanne passed away.  I've been trying for the past week to put into words what Aunt Jo meant to me and to my family.  

When I was young, people who knew the Smith side of my family would call me little Joanne.  Not, as you might think, because my mother's name was JoAnn, but because I had an energy much like my Aunt Joanne.  She was full of energy and was athletic long before that was a "proper" activity for girls.

Aunt Joanne had many many fine qualities.  She was the hostess with the mostest, as we would say.  When she prepared a meal it was a thing of beauty.  I remember when we were together in New York, to take care of my dad as he was recovering from a bad infection, and I had flown out for a few days.  She made my dad a simple lunch of cheese, crackers and fresh fruit.  The way she arranged the foods on the plate and added a sprig of something or other made the simple meal a work of art.  As I commented on it she seemed surprised.  She made the common something special.  

She made my kids feel special as well.  She found out how much my Melissa loved horses and invited her to spend a couple weeks at her ranch.  Although Melissa was a little homesick, she had an amazing time.   Joanne filled her horse love to overflowing with lessons and non-stop time to ride, groom and just love on horses.

For my two youngest, Ella and Jacob, she was the grandmother they didn't have.  We were able to spend time in Idaho three of the last 4 summers.  When I gave them the choice of going to Y camp or going to Aunt Jo and Uncle Dick's house - there was just no choice for them.  Idaho won hands down. They absolutely loved being there, and I did too.

She made me feel special too.  My mom died when I was 19 and the older I got, the more time I was able to spend with Aunt Jo.  She filled a spot I hadn't realized was empty.  I was able to spend a few days with her this past Nov.  Unfortunately she ended up spending much of the time in the hospital.  She was more concerned that it was ruining our time together than about how she was doing physically. She had planned massages, something we were to do together, but insisted that I still go ahead with mine.  It was so very thoughtful, just what you'd expect.

Two and a half years ago when Melissa was married, Aunt Jo came to Minnesota.  It was a DIY wedding and even though she had only recently recovered from a serious lung illness, she couldn't wait to come. She helped me choose the salads and sent me some of her favorite recipes, which I will especially cherish now.  We spent the afternoon before the wedding preparing the salads and she helped, as she had helped so many family members so many times.

Along with her horses she loved her adopted state of Idaho.  She loved everything about Idaho and the BSU football team.  A year ago when I was out to visit by myself she had her royal blue and orange outfit on the night before a game, including the scarf she had made as she'd taken up knitting again as her energy level was lower.  She was never idle.

She was fiercely loyal to family.  Not just her nuclear family, but her extended family as well.  I knew something wasn't quite right this August when for the first time I didn't receive my usual birthday card.  She had never forgotten my birthday and mailed me a card even when I moved nearly every year for about 5 years.  She was always sure to get my new address and never missed my birthday.

One of our last conversations included a discussion about my cousin who had recently had brain surgery, but had complications and has been really struggling ever since.  It was so frustrating for Joanne that she was not able to go and help.  Doing, helping and supporting others both in a physical sense and in an emotional sense was who she was.

 Last Mother's Day I sent her a card which, unbeknownst to me, was really meaningful to her.  She pulled it out while I was there this summer and told me how much it meant to her.  My note read something to the effect that I learned much about unconditional love from watching how she treated others.  I hadn't even remembered what I had written, but she sure had and I'm especially grateful now that I sent that card.

Thoughtful, loyal, generous, giving, hospitable, caring, she loved greatly and greatly loved others.  I will miss you so much Aunt Jo and whenever I entertain you will be close beside me in spirit because no one could make people feel welcome and comfortable like you could.  Thanks for teaching me that and so much more.

Thoughts on Callie Turning 12

We've had a little over 9 years with Callie girl and they have been so full - very full.  This past year we had some highs and some lows.  We survived the lows and relished the highs.

Callie's level of anxiety became unbearable and was stealing her joy in life and spreading anxiety and concern to those of us who love her.  We finally felt we were at a spot where pharmaceuticals were no longer avoidable as a tool.  It was a timely and appropriate decision.

As she prepared to enter middle school this year we were especially concerned with the increase in noise level and number of bells she would have to endure on a daily basis.  From all that I've heard she has adjusted very well.  On her birthday Fri., I heard that a group of girls came to her table and serenaded her with the Happy Birthday song.  She was thrilled and gave hugs all around.  How cool is that?

She also was able to enjoy roller coasters - really enjoy them.  She is participating in Special Olympics and, for the most part, handling the sensory overload that is involved very well.

So as we finish out her preteen years who knows what is to be.  I've been toying with writing a book, specifically about Callie and her amazing story.  Myrikle in the Making is my "working" title.  I guess since I haven't written one page it's really an "un-working" title.  If you don't know the story Myrikle was the name her birth mom gave her.  As I've said before her name was far more prophetic that I could have imagined.

Watching how God works in Callie's life has and I know will continue to be one of the most exciting adventures of my life.  I learn so much from her and am always amazed by how much influence she wields on so many people.  She's effected so many others by her huge personality.

                                    Here's to an awesome 12th year full of amazing adventures!
                                                          We love you Callie Girl.

Just another Friday night

Tonight we have the privilege of having Dominic for an overnight.  It's a rare honor and we love it.  Tomorrow when he wakes up hours before everyone else does my opinion may change, but now while he is sleeping in the other room - priceless.

We don't know why, but Dominic's happy spot in our house has always been under this piece of furniture.  Usually he would lie on the shelf there, but tonight he fell fast asleep up against the wall underneath.

When Mark and I were having our first meeting with a psychologist for one of the kids and we were discussing our family Mark commented on the fact that for some reason we really hadn't considered the overlap in grand parenting while still actively parenting.

 We may not be able to be as available as some grand parents are, but on the other hand we didn't have to re-childproof our house, we never un-childproofed.  We often hear from other grandparents our age how exhausted they are after their grandkids visit.  We're still pretty used to the exhaustion that is parenting, albeit we do enjoy our down time much more these days, and frankly require much more of it.

Best finish up it's tIme to send the aunts and uncles to bed before the grandson's night is half over.