Black and Proud - Hopefully

Two of my children started school this week.  Sassafras and Little Man go to a charter school and Monday morning - off they went.

The school they attend is 80+% caucasian.  Sassafras' grade level is very diverse.  Nearly 25% AA and about 6 of the 44 sixth graders also happen to be adopted.  That is so great for her.  Unfortunately, Little Man is the one and only AA child in his grade level, and I'm not aware of any other adopted classmates.  For him, this is very difficult.

At dinner this week as we were discussing school he stated, "I don't like being black."  A simple statement, but a very disturbing and deeply sad statement for him to make and for us to hear.  He has struggled through so many deep feelings related to adoption, loss, being a part of a transracial family, knowing he's lagging behind classmates in his studies.  All these have been attacks on his self-esteem.

Whenever your child makes a statement that reflects possible self-hatred you can't help but cringe.  If you're experienced parents, as we are, your cringing is on the inside and your child has no idea how deeply sad the statement has made you.  We probed asking why he feels that way.  He repeated statements I've heard from him before, "Every time they talk about a black person in history everyone turns and looks at me - I don't like that."  He would love to blend and that, is impossible where he is.

My responsibility as a white mother raising black children is to raise a child who is proud of his heritage racially and culturally. We thought we were doing a relatively good job. We have many people in our life from a variety of racial backgrounds, but we may need to take another look at how we are addressing raising a black young man in a predominately white area.

We recently took a vacation to Idaho to visit family.  Our Idahoan family is a diverse family themselves, but Idaho in general is not.  While traveling through Idaho, Wyoming, Utah etc. there were several times I felt very uncomfortable as we were the only family with any black faces.  More than once I couldn't help but exclaim, "Where are all the black people?" One restaurant stop in particular I cut short because I just felt we weren't real welcome.

I was feeling a little bit superior as we rarely have had that feeling here at home - it has happened, but it is fairly rare.  Transracial adoptions are also relatively common in our area.  Yes, we often get stares, but there are more friendly curious ones rather than we don't want you here kind of stares.  I'm so use to it I forget that it probably bothers my children. We can't go anywhere in public without someone - a sales clerk, the sample hander outers, fellow shoppers, etc. implying that we don't belong together.

So, I'm reflecting on ways I can help him become a proud young black man.  He has come so far in so many ways and gaining confidence in himself is a process.  A process that needs fine tuning on occasion and this is one of those occasions.

Who's a Pretty Girl?

A couple days ago Sassafras asked me to pineapple her hair for bed.  This is the process of putting her twists atop her head with a binder so she can get her satin bonnet on.  Anyway, I did and she started prancing around saying, "Look I'm a Vegas showgirl!".  After laughing hysterically - gotta admit tis funny - I had two thoughts.  First was, where in heaven's name did she learn about Vegas showgirls?  Secondly, over YOUR dead body cause momma will take you out before you look to Vegas for employment.

After the verbal attacks she's endured to her physique the past 6 mos. or so I almost wanted to applaud. My girl has such a firm understanding of her worth.  Since the time she was tiny I would hold her up in front of the bathroom mirror exclaiming - "Who is the pretty girl in the mirror?"  "Who's a beautiful girl?"  She would grin from ear to ear and when old enough would, of course, answer "ME!".  "That's right precious girl - you",  I would reply.

Now, before you think I only praise her for her appearance let me make myself clear.  The reason I do emphasize her appearance, along with her amazing personality traits, is because I know full well that my girl is not the American standard of beauty.  I know, many who know her will argue with me.  I agree she is beautiful.  But, go into any store with a magazine rack right now and tell me you see any cover girl with skin the color of my girl and natural hair, or in her case this week one with yarn twists including blue yarn - it's called a protective style, by the way.  Not a chance.  What you'll find are covers highlighting articles titled, "Fuss Free Hair - 5 best summer styling secrets" or  "No more frizz!  Smooth, Pretty Hair".   Let me just stop there.  Smooth pretty hair?  Really.  I know I  know - some people will say, but I have curly hair or my daughter has curly hair - she has that "problem" too. There are curling irons to straighten out those caucasian locks, if one so desires  - this doesn't work on my girlies.  Even if through chemical processing and ironing etc. it was relatively "straight"  it would never blow in the wind or flip over her shoulder.  She was trying to blow her twist out of her face the other day - like some of her friends do - and, of course couldn't.

So, I've decided I will not be renewing my subscriptions to these magazines when renewal time comes around and will instead be getting magazines with cover girls who mirror my cover girls.  I won't be inviting in possible attacks on their self worth and their dad and I will continue to tell them how gorgeous they are, along with how amazing they are, how smart they are, how confident they are, how loving and caring and generous and funny and clever and sweet and brave and resourceful and most of all how much God loves them exactly the way they are no matter what.

Cultural Literacy - Sort Of

I take my role as a caucasian mother raising AA children very seriously.  So much cultural information that  a AA child might pick up just being in a black family or community generally becomes a purposeful conversation for us.  Some are important pieces of history or teaching racial slurs so they know when they are being insulted - a coping skill they definitely need to know.  Then there are the hilarious or absurd conversations as the one we had last night.

My Ella is a very curvy girl already and will become more so as she grows and giving her a good self image is utmost on my mind when I look at how quickly she is physically maturing.  So conversations such as we had in the car last night are important for us to have.  What a huge disservice I would do to my daughter to send her out into the world completely ignorant to her history and culture.  Therefore, we had a talk about big butts - yes a very cultural conversation.

While switching stations they were listening to a hip hop song which had a reference to a girl's big backyard - not sure they heard it, but I started gabbing that many hip hop songs make references to, well, big butts - which is cultural.  So, I started telling Ella what a great apple bottom she has and how when a black woman asks, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" and someone says yes - this is the answer they're hoping to hear.  On the other hand, a white woman would likely be insulted.  "Isn't that silly," I said.

Then I launched into the song from Sir Mix-A-Lot that they know from Shrek, "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"