Take a Pause

A few weeks ago Jacob's school began it's third quarter.  The teachers asked the kids to write two goals for the rest of third grade.  The examples given had to do with passing reading levels etc.

This is what Jacob wrote - exactly.

1.  Do not Get Posis in a week.
2.  Do not tock ot uf trn.

Just a reminder - Jacob has learning disabilities.  He has worked long and hard to get close to grade level in reading.  Writing is painfully difficult for him.  

The first goal states that he doesn't want to get any pauses in a week.  This is the classroom's version of time outs.  When they aren't paying attention or are disruptive, they take a pause.

The second goal says that he doesn't want to talk out of turn.  That's pretty self-explanatory.  The teacher's comment was, "Both achievable goals".  

I have really mixed feelings about these goals.  On the one hand I'm glad that Jacob wants to get along in school and doesn't like when his behavior doesn't reflect the kind, gentle young man he strives to be.  On the other, it bothers me that behavior and not academic achievement is not the first thing that comes to his mind.

Jacob gets very frustrated with himself when he isn't able to reach these goals, but from what we've seen, it's not because he doesn't want to.  Sometimes he just can't.  This doesn't mean he can't or won't at a later date, but sometimes - it's just not possible in that moment.

Personally, I know I would be a much better person if I took a pause before spouting off my mouth or judging someone else harshly.  We surely have high expectations for children - sometimes much higher than what we as adults expect from ourselves.

Everybody just take a pause today.  The world would be a much nicer, kinder, gentler place if we just followed that piece of advice.

Special Education - This Parent's Viewpoint

It is with trepidation that I write this blog, but it's been on my mind for quite awhile and hopefully it will be taken in the spirit that it is meant, which is to share my experience, not to criticize.  I've had children in special education for a total of 22 years now. I am surely not speaking for all parents of special ed. kids, that would be impossible,  just some ideas, suggestions or thoughts from my perspective.

1.  Very few parents of SPED kids - short for SPecial EDucation - were expecting to be parents of SPED kids.  When you're not expecting to learn about something it sometimes takes longer to learn it.  Perhaps sometimes because you're hoping you don't really need to know this stuff, this is all just a mistake.  That means we may need information to be repeated.  There is so much for us to take in and school is only one place from which we are getting information thrown at us.  Many of us have multiple health care providers to keep track of or social workers or psychologists helping us figure out what we're dealing with.  We are on information overload - all - the - time.  Receiving all this info. via various venues may be helpful - e-mails, phone calls, written forms or notes.  Different people like to receive their info. in different ways.  The first of many areas where flexibility is an essential skill for SPED professionals.  Most parents are assimilating all these details while also dealing with jobs, other family members, possibly financial difficulties and lots of emotions. None of these things helps process all that is being thrown your way.  By the way - watch the acronyms.  Not everyone is savvy to the IEP, SPED, SPOT etc. terms - which has changed more times than I can count - and, it may just be me, but I hate feeling like the one left out of the secret society or feeling stupid.  For me, that's the worst.

2.  IEP - the Individual Education Plan - often an experience that is overwhelming for parents.  First and foremost every person around that table should introduce themselves and yes explain what the heck you do - specifically.  Doesn't matter if you've met the parent before or talked to them on the phone.  When you're sitting at a table with maybe 8 or so professionals your mind may blank out and it's awkward if you can't remember someone you should clearly know.  Also - who are these school rep people and what is their job?  I'm still not sure I know the answer to that.  I only figured out two years ago the hierarchy of SPED teachers - it was the first time I knew what a "lead" teacher, sort of the middle management teacher who supervises the SPED teachers at a certain level - was - after 20 years!  That's ridiculous and I'm a reasonably intelligent person who is generally not overwhelmed by my own life issues, I can't imagine how a single parent or one challenged in their own ways handles it.  Statistics vary, but some state up to 90% of parents with special needs children face divorce.  Compassion seems like a quality most SPED professionals would all have and realizing the stress marriages may be under when you are dealing with your students' parents is just one area where that compassion would be essential.

3.  I am a realist.  This may not be true of all parents, but I am very realistic of what my kid's adult life is likely to look like.  This is partly because I have parented 3 adults, all in the DCD category - Developmentally Cognitively Delayed - so I know what it looks like when they leave school and the options that are available.  School is completely different from real life.  In real life every 30 min. or 45 min. or whatever the time period is will not/is not scheduled and controlled.  That's not how the world works.  The majority of people who interact with my kids are not trained professionals who are used to their quirks and can decipher their speech.  When I look at my kids I am looking for how they interact with others and how they adapt and what personal care skills they have or don't have.  Frankly, if a kid doesn't learn to mind other people's personal space, i.e. stay out of their bubble, writing their name or adding numbers isn't likely to help them get a job.  Social skills are everything in the real world.  Academic skills mean nothing if a kid can't speak clearly enough for a complete stranger to understand them or doesn't follow directions.  Every academic skill, especially by the time they reach middle school, should be a vehicle to teach social and job skills.  Again, I'm a realist, only one of my SPED kids will be their own guardians so having a signature will never be needed, but waiting quietly while someone else fills out the form - very important.  Learning how to act around "typicals" is very essential to their adult life and often lacking in our how our special ed. is set up today - see #8.

4.  Independent - not relying on another or others for aid or support.  Apparently this is a word which is defined differently in a school setting than I would at home, or frankly than the entire rest of the world would define it.  An example of an independent skill is to give an instruction, say, wipe the table, and the kid would get a cloth, rinse it out, wipe the table down thoroughly, rinse the cloth and then put it away or hang it up.  That's independent.  I've been told my child does certain things independently at school which, in reality, seems to mean someone pointing, instructing and redirecting  while the child proceeds with the "independent" skill or else they have amazing talents they express no where else.  Either way, these "independent" skills are useless if they don't transfer out of the school setting.  If there's really that large of a disconnect between their school abilities and their out of school abilities we may have a problem.  If they way we define the word independent is the issue, then let's define it together so we're all on the same page.

5.  Perhaps a continuation of #4, but I prefer my kids are praised for "real" accomplishments, not concocted ones.  There was a video recently that showed a "wrestler" who had severe CP.  His coach carried him to his opponent and they "wrestled".  Of course the kid with CP "won" and everyone cheered.  It was completely patronizing and demeaning, in my opinion.  There have been times my kids have brought home art work from school I'm pretty certain they had nothing to do with.  I'm fine with that, but don't want them having "their" art in a show if it's something they had very little input on.  They are capable of having real achievements on their own.  Just as I'm not a fan of "participation" ribbons in kid's sports, I'm not a fan of fake achievements for my SPED kids.  Not everyone is a "winner" and that's just fine.  It makes their real achievements even sweeter because I know they worked hard for them.

6. School is often a big black hole.  My kids are not able to come home and tell me how their day was.  Some because they are non-verbal, but others are not able to have a conversation which is in any way informational.  Sure, other people will say their kids never tell them how their day went either.  I have typical kids too, so I know about that, but I get pretty much zero info. unless a teacher takes the time to tell me.  I can't even know the names of my kid's friends if they can't tell me, usually can't, and teachers can't due to confidentiality I suppose.  It's a really odd position to be in.  I will tell you the stories I want to hear more than anything else are not generally about their academic work, it's about the regular ed. kids who had lunch with them.  I got pictures from the DAPE - adaptive physical education - teacher of my kids climbing the rock wall.  That was awesome!  Parents are often told they are part of the team, but the part who has absolutely no idea what the other players are doing most days.  I know the end goals, but often feel left out of the game.  Any stories that let me know how my kid was at school, what kind of day they had, do they have friends -  anything is great to fill in that black hole.  I don't need a daily phone call, but an occasional e-mail with a personal story - love those.

7.  It is a shame that paraprofessionals are not considered part of the IEP team.  It's a terrific shame when a teacher doesn't realize how very important those paras are in how well our students succeed in school.  Most of the SPED teachers I know are very aware of what an important part of the team the paras are.  The few I've known that didn't know that, well, the classroom environment suffers because of it.  They are the ones who observe those reg. ed. interactions that I'm so curious to know about.  They are generally the people who are responsible for teaching my child proper interactions with typical peers - an essential skill in my opinion.  They are the ones that care for my child's personal cares - a very important and personal part of my child's day.  A great para is priceless and often under appreciated.

8.  It was thirty years ago when our son Chad moved in with us.  Obviously special ed. has changed quite a bit from those days.  One of the things that has changed and yet not changed is integration.  In elementary school, the early years there is a reasonable amount of integration.  As the years go by it lessens and in some cases becomes nearly non-existent.  When Chad was in high school in the early 90's he played the bass drum in the regular school band.  It was not by any means a big fight for that to happen.  We just said he loved music could he do something in band and the spec. ed. teacher made it happen.  It was wonderful.  From what I've seen I'm thinking that would be quite the achievement these days.  We seem to be much happier with keeping special ed. students in their own space and away from reg. ed. students.  During lunch, to my knowledge,  my kids are at a table with a para and at least one other SPED student.  This is counted as integration time.  Knowing what my kids look like when they're eating, it's not what I would consider really prime time for making relationships with reg. ed kids.  Sometimes they gross me out when they're eating and I'm quite used to it.  It's not exactly the time their best foot is forward.  I assume some, if not all,  of it is cost effectiveness, which teachers have no control over.  When Chad went to band a para went with him.  Now, any integration that happens is never one on one, therefore sort of negating the whole concept of having our kids form relationships with typical peers. It's difficult enough when they need an adult close by, but if they have a SPED peer there too, what typical kid is going to approach them then.  I'm sure some do, but it would be the extreme exception.

9.  Holistic - this may sum up my ideal view of special education, but, unless a holistic approach is taken our kids will not be prepared for adult life which is, after all,  the goal.  All of my special ed. kids are adopted and many came from difficult situations, so that's where I'm starting from.  However, I believe this is true of all SPED kids.  Physical, emotional, intellectual and social development does not happen individually.  It happens when the child is taken as a whole.  If my medically fragile child is recovering from pneumonia it may not be the best time to start a new communication program.  If my child has a meltdown at school it may not be the best time to move desks.  If you want to work on social skills get them out of the classroom and into a regular ed. room and work on those skills.  Don't sit in a private room and make up a pretend conversation - that's not the real world and they may not be able to transfer those skills from a made up situation to a real world situation.

If we want them to learn bathroom skills then boys need a male para to go with them.  If you can't provide that, then they are not going to learn those skills at school - period.  Every skill they learn should be multi-layered.  Learning the value of money should be taught more because they need to learn to follow directions and speak clearly and learn personal space.  The likelihood that they will ever pay for something on their own with cash, in my experience,  is next to nothing.  How many of us do that anymore?  Someone else will handle their funds and no cash will exchange hands.  This is even more true as time goes on.  Therefore if those skills are being taught it is because of the side skills they can learn with them - social skills, personal space, speak slowly and clearly, stand still, make eye contact, listen, be respectful,  follow directions etc.  I can tell you from my experience if those skills are not in tact no one cares if your kid can read, write, tell time, or count money.  They don't want them around and there's no chance a company is going to hire someone without some decent social skills.  Some of the quirks people find charming in kids, not so much in adults.  Our kids need even more time to learn adult behavior - like from the very beginning.  Everything takes them longer to learn, there is no time to waste.

10.  One last point.  Most teachers know that parents often get the brunt of our kid's attitudes when they've worked so hard at keeping it together all day long.  They're exhausted by the emotional energy of it all and can't wait to get home and let loose.  Please remember that you often see the absolute best my kid has to offer and we get the leftovers to deal with at home.  Often between dealing with behavior issues and working on personal care skills, table manners, social skills, going to special olympics, sports, church activities or music lessons and the emotional baggage they are carrying - we are exhausted.  I'm sure that there are some parents who welcome homework for their kids.  For us, it is often too stressful.  I also put homework under the category of "independent".  My older elementary typical kid does not need my help or gets help from friends.  My SPED kids will never be able to do their homework independently. This often feels like I have homework to do and I'm often less than thrilled to have homework, especially when it inevitably will cause a massive meltdown.  This is another area where it helps if you can put yourself into our shoes.  Imagine the day you just had at work and then picture yourself going home to spend the evening with a cranky, if not completely belligerent kid who just wants to play and your job is to call them inside or away from their game and sit down - again - to do paperwork.  How many of our kids are already struggling to sit still at school?  I have a kid who generally has to stand at the dinner table because he just can't sit anymore after sitting - all - day - long.  That is just asking too much.  Flexibility is essential in parenting, as it is in teaching our kids and that should include the flexibility to just say no to homework when their mental health, as well as our own, is at stake.  We need to have some time to positively connect with our kids before we kiss them goodnight.  If that means no homework - then so be it.

My hope with this blog is not to offend or even call SPED professionals to task.  I have the utmost respect for most of the professionals my children have encountered and I hope they know that.  It is my attempt to express my parental opinion - mine, not every parent's opinion.  Most of my kid's professionals have been just that - truly professional.  Not perfect, heaven forbid that would require me to be a perfect parent and that's way too much pressure.  I'm thrilled when I know my kids have a teacher who is optimistic, energetic, creative, and flexible.  What more could I ask for.  There's nothing better than sending your child on their school bus every day knowing they will have the best day possible because from the time they're greeted on the bus until the time they get back on that bus they will be with people who are loving on them all day - no matter what kind of day they have.  For all of you, I will be eternally grateful.

Back to School 2012

We are off and running into the 2012/2013 school year.  This is a pivotal year for pretty much all my kids.  Jacob is in third grade learning cursive, not sure why they still teach that - just sayin'.  Ella began middle school.  She is in a K-8 school, so she didn't have to leave the building, but does have to move from classroom to classroom.  Callie also started middle school in a whole new building with a whole new staff.  Our little sound sensitive child now has to deal with the hated bell many times over what she's had to deal with before.  Christian is finishing up his middle school years this year and Shannon officially began high school.  I say officially because her program was in a high school the past two years, but this year she is actually high school age and is back in our school district, albeit not our neighborhood high school.

One bummer about having kids in "low-incidence" special ed. classrooms is we've never had their program in the school our neighborhood kids attend.  So for kids who have grown up with typical neighborhood friends, they ride a different bus to a different school rather than attending the same school with other neighbors.  In addition to that Callie and Christian didn't get to move into the middle school that their reg. ed. peers went to when they left their elementary school.  This is also true with Shannie.  Building relationships with typical peers isn't easy and is especially difficult at that middle school age when most kids are not the most comfortable in their own skin, so to speak.

Callie's teacher was excited to tell me how well she did on her first day.  She was definitely the one I was most concerned about as far as adjusting to a new building, teacher, schedule etc. etc.  She reiterated what we hear time and time again - "she's so smart".  I'm always glad when I hear that because I know that whoever said it will "get" her.  More often than not now people figure that out quickly, but that wasn't always the case.  There are a few preschool teachers I sure'd like to show her off too - in a totally non-judgemental in your face kinda way.

After a quick light clean up of the house I've enjoyed a wonderful leisurely lunch under our gazebo in our yard in absolutely perfect weather watching my ridiculous dog try to catch a chipmunk who is ruthlessly baiting her.  In about an hour the peace and quiet of right now will completely disappear with the first bus arriving as well as two grandie girls and that too will be thoroughly enjoyable.

Black and Proud - Hopefully

Two of my children started school this week.  Sassafras and Little Man go to a charter school and Monday morning - off they went.

The school they attend is 80+% caucasian.  Sassafras' grade level is very diverse.  Nearly 25% AA and about 6 of the 44 sixth graders also happen to be adopted.  That is so great for her.  Unfortunately, Little Man is the one and only AA child in his grade level, and I'm not aware of any other adopted classmates.  For him, this is very difficult.

At dinner this week as we were discussing school he stated, "I don't like being black."  A simple statement, but a very disturbing and deeply sad statement for him to make and for us to hear.  He has struggled through so many deep feelings related to adoption, loss, being a part of a transracial family, knowing he's lagging behind classmates in his studies.  All these have been attacks on his self-esteem.

Whenever your child makes a statement that reflects possible self-hatred you can't help but cringe.  If you're experienced parents, as we are, your cringing is on the inside and your child has no idea how deeply sad the statement has made you.  We probed asking why he feels that way.  He repeated statements I've heard from him before, "Every time they talk about a black person in history everyone turns and looks at me - I don't like that."  He would love to blend and that, is impossible where he is.

My responsibility as a white mother raising black children is to raise a child who is proud of his heritage racially and culturally. We thought we were doing a relatively good job. We have many people in our life from a variety of racial backgrounds, but we may need to take another look at how we are addressing raising a black young man in a predominately white area.

We recently took a vacation to Idaho to visit family.  Our Idahoan family is a diverse family themselves, but Idaho in general is not.  While traveling through Idaho, Wyoming, Utah etc. there were several times I felt very uncomfortable as we were the only family with any black faces.  More than once I couldn't help but exclaim, "Where are all the black people?" One restaurant stop in particular I cut short because I just felt we weren't real welcome.

I was feeling a little bit superior as we rarely have had that feeling here at home - it has happened, but it is fairly rare.  Transracial adoptions are also relatively common in our area.  Yes, we often get stares, but there are more friendly curious ones rather than we don't want you here kind of stares.  I'm so use to it I forget that it probably bothers my children. We can't go anywhere in public without someone - a sales clerk, the sample hander outers, fellow shoppers, etc. implying that we don't belong together.

So, I'm reflecting on ways I can help him become a proud young black man.  He has come so far in so many ways and gaining confidence in himself is a process.  A process that needs fine tuning on occasion and this is one of those occasions.

Listen to your Gut

I have a few basic pieces of advice I like to pass on to young parents.  One of the most basic is - listen to your gut.  No one - no matter what their training or diplomas say, know your child better than you do.  You, only you, as parents are the experts when it comes to your kids.

Today Shannie had an arthrogram and a steroid injection into her left hip.  She has had two hip surgeries called derotational osteotomy on the hip and once on her right side.  She has what is called a wind swept left hip - both her legs sweep to the right.  It causes her left hip to pull out of it's socket and yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

Today the arthrogram showed that her left hip is once again pulling out.  It's not completely dislocated, but it is sometimes slipping out, which is why it is inflamed and causing pain.  When discussing how to avoid further inflaming the hip, we asked about the use of the stander.  A stander is something she is strapped into while laying down and then it is put into a standing position.  Shannie has never been a fan and therefore neither have we.

From our experience physical therapists are huge fans of standers.  Our guts have always said - not worth the time, energy and discomfort that Shannie experiences while in them.  Today we heard the same response from our favorite surgeon.  His reasoning matched our own - a chair dependent person has no need to spend time in the stander or having range of motion (ROM), which is basically stretching her muscles, on the troublesome hip.

Now, in spite of the fact my gut had told me we were right to avoid both the stander and range of motion here at home the insistence of the professionals made me doubt.  We refused to have a stander here and I'm glad we stuck to that decision.  Today a top specialist surgeon confirmed that our guts had again, not steered us wrong and we now have a prescription in hand telling the powers that be at school to cease and desist all stander and ROM until further notice, which in his words would be till he is no longer in practice.  To that I say - Hallelujah!

If the steroid injections fail to stave off the pain, the surgeon mentioned another possible surgical option.  It's called the femoral head osteotomy (FHO).  It is basically the removal of the femoral head and then, as I understand it, muscle is pulled over the end of the femur instead.  Our surgeon has only done this surgery 15 times in his 20 years.  It is more often used by veterinarians.  Of course, we will be praying Shannie is not his 16th and that somehow the injections, no stander or range of motion will somehow be enough, but as is so often the case with our sweet Shannie-Boo, the easy road does not seem to be the path she gets to take.

We saw a young couple with a daughter who looked so much like our Shannie did when she was about 3 yrs. old sitting in the waiting room post procedure of some sort and our hearts broke for them.  We know something of the path they will be on and how difficult it can be.  The stress and strain on families and marriages of couples with special needs children is immense.  The divorce rate is higher than for typical families - at least twice the rate.

 Shannie brings us much joy as I'm sure their sweet daughter does, but it can be a hard road, especially for a young family.  In our case, it's brought us even closer together.  When it comes to our Shannie - don't even think about messing with our girl.  We are a force of nature when we are in defense of her and I am so very grateful to have Mark to lean on and sometimes hold up when times are tough.  It would be a very lonely road to travel alone.

For now, we should see some relief, and as we often remind ourselves to be grateful for good, comfortable days when our girl laughs, smiles and enjoys life.  These are excellent days.

Last Day of School

Today was the last day of school for Ella and Jacob who were the last to finish their school year.  They are happy to be off and free of a schedule for awhile and so am I.  The change in schedule is not a good thing for Callie, but she will adjust to this more free style schedule eventually.

Shannon, Callie, Christian and Jacob will all have summer school.  All four have different schedules - yikes!  Hopefully I will be able to keep the schedules straight, although I'm not placing any bets on it.

Tomorrow Dominic will be coming for a couple nights while mom and dad head to CA.  Should be fun, exhausting I'm sure, but fun.

Martin Luther King day in school

The charter school Ella and Jacob attend does not take Martin Luther King day off. It's our first year there, so I'm not sure why that is, but they were only back two days from their long winter break before MLK day, so perhaps that is why.

I asked them in what ways the school or teachers recognized the day. Ella said that basically they just said - Happy Martin Luther King day. Not quite what I was hoping for. Jacob said they read a book detailing Dr. King's life. He said as his teacher was reading everyone turned around to look at Jacob. Apparently he is now the only black kid in his class, so when they were discussing segregation they naturally looked at him. He didn't like that - who could blame him. I told him that likely the kids looked at him because they had never heard there was a time when kids of different colors weren't allowed to be in school together. And I do believe that that is probably true. Everyone wants to believe that we can be color blind, but we aren't, nor do I necessarily think we should be.

In a Newsweek article from Sept. 2009 titled "See Baby Discriminate" three groups of families were asked to discuss racial equality with their children. The first group were simple given multiculturally themed videos, the second group used the videos and were to follow up with a discussion and the third group were given a checklist of topics, but no videos. Out of about 30 families in the third group - 5 abruptly quit the study. Two told the researchers, "We don't want to have these conversations with our child. We don't want to point out skin color." Hey guess what everybody - they've already noticed! The study went on to discover that those who thought their goal of "teaching" their kids to be colorblind actually taught the opposite. When asked, "Do your parents like black people?" Fourteen percent said outright, "No, my parents don't like black people." 38% answered that they didn't know. By ignoring people's race parents actually were telling their kids different must be bad.

This is my opinion, but living in a suburb where diversity exists, but as I stated Jacob is still the only black kid in his class, we, as parents, have to talk about it - in a positive way - but we must address that race does exist. How do we do that? Well, I'd say taking advantage of Martin Luther King day, for instance, is a good start. Discuss who he was and what he did. Go to one of the many special events that go on the weekend before the holiday. Send them to me - I'll tell them the story of how I got to shake his hand as a little girl. Beyond that, seek out multicultural friends and don't be afraid to discuss their differences - notice the difference in hair, skin etc. Don't make it the focus, just work it in to the conversation. I have an adult son who made me aware of using color when describing someone - everyone - "my friend Mary - she's white, has blond hair and blue eyes, about my height" - it is a part of our description and our reality and not only used for people who's skin is different from mine. I always ask my kids what color the person's skin is when they describe them, it's simply a part of their description, not the focus.

Thankfully, on Wed. the kids came home to tell me they had a special program about Dr. King, his legacy and how people are different and the same. Yes were are, but talking about our differences is just as important as pointing out how much the same we are - in our house different is good - really good.

Another year older

When I was turning 50 and was having a little trouble with that age - for one reason my mother died at 49 and I thought she was old then - a wise woman told me, it's only a number. I've never forgotten that and now that I'm turning 55 - half way through that 5th decade I still choose to embrace the fact that it's only a number.

So, I've been asking people if we celebrate golden birthdays, well here in MN we do, which is the year you turn the age of your birthdate then what happens when you turn the age of the year you were born? Then I thought at least half my kids will probably never celebrate that year - or did when they were too young to appreciate it. Yet another reason to be happy I was born in 1955.

Now I'm thinking I should set some lofty goals for this year. That I'll have to think about. The past 3 or 4 mos. we've been in survival mode, so the goal was simply making it through one day at a time. I hate living that way as it tends to suck the joy out of life. Starting today - I'm going to make some intentional goals. The first goal is to get our eating under control. We've only made it to the farmer's market once or twice this summer - generally we've gone weekly. Today's goal is to make a healthy menu plan and shop for it. It does make it trickier when the weather is so hot and we don't like to run the oven when the air is on, but we'll figure it out.

Another exciting event this week was Jacob started school at a charter school that we've been on the waiting list for and the first day of school they called to let us know there was an opening for Ella. Amazingly, the seat available was right next to one of her best friends and the class has 3 other friends. Such an above and beyond answer to prayer. She is grieving the loss of her old school, but I know she is where she should be and that that will pass.

Today I plan to enjoy and be grateful for this day, no matter what challenges it may bring.

A full plate

It's another week when we just have too much on our plate to finish and we're totally stuffed. It seems as if every time we think we've finished one course someone brings us another one. Some of the courses are delicious and enjoyable and some are bitter and poorly seasoned.

Jacob has a spot at a charter school which is a delectable dish. Ella now moves to the first in line for her grade, so hopefully she will get in this year as well. She is not as excited as Jacob as she has good friends at school she doesn't want to leave, but as social as she is she will do just fine. The only stickler is the school is year round and starts on Aug. 9. We had some fun stuff planned for Aug. he will miss, so hopefully that won't cause him too much angst.

Last night there was a thunder storm and Callie girl HATES thunder. With her sensitivity to sound - especially unexpected ones - they are just terrorizing. She ended up sleeping with her "ear muffs" - Peltor sound protectors. She had them on all night. It's so sad to me as I love a good thunder storm.

Hopefully today will be a day to finish a dish and get closer to dessert - I LOVE dessert!

New to me

Over the past month Jacob has been tested thoroughly by school. He is coming upon his 7th birthday at which time the school must officially "label" him. His previous label was DD or developmentally delayed which Mark and I have disagreed with due to his incredible ability to verbally express his emotions. We have 5 other children that truly fit the DD label and none of them are as capable of expressing themselves as he is. Frankly, I don't think I'm as in touch with my emotions as he is. Not even sure I want to be.

The official label is now SLD - specific learning disability. This is determined by a gap between his intellectual level and performance in school. Was no surprise to me, but it is new to me. Although Conor likely would have received a similar label, we were homeschoolers at the time and did not have him formally tested. So, it is our first foray into the LD world of school.

Last week Mark and Jacob spent the day at the zoo. Mark was a little skeptical of taking him as the last visit ended poorly as Mark had to carry Jacob out from the bowels of the zoo to the parking lot with Jacob kicking, hitting and screaming at him the whole way. Ella was along and humiliated as well as angry that their zoo time was cut short. However, this trip was a great father son time and Mark thoroughly enjoyed it. When they walked in the door the first words out of Jacob's mouth were - "I was bad" - which was said at the same time Mark was raving about what a great time they had. Since they were talking at the same time Mark didn't even hear Jacob and I chose to ignore it and praise him for all the fun they had. This is one of the parenting hurdles with RAD - reactive attachment disorder - kids. We seem to be constantly trying to reassure him that he is lovable and awesome even when he is acting most unlovable and unawesome.

Mark told me later that he asked Jacob what animal he would most like to be. "A turtle," he said, "Why a turtle." "Because I could go into my shell for protection." Whew - he is so very transparent, which is helpful, but also makes me so very sad. How do you convince a wonderful child that he really is wonderful - warts and all? All I know to do is to keep reassuring him with the same kisses good night we always have - Mama loves you, Daddy loves you, but most of all - Jesus loves you. How very grateful I am that that is true and hopefully Jacob will some day believe it to the very depths of his soul.

Mixed emotions

Yesterday was a day of mixed emotions of my children's diversity. Jacob has had several experiences this year which have made us question whether it was some sort of racial harassment. It may seem obvious, but it isn't quite that simple.

Tues. he was hit in the nose at the playground making it bleed by one of his "best" friends. Then yesterday a little girl in his class - kindergarten mind you - said, thankfully in front of a staff member, "I'm going to tell my big brother to beat you up." Now, we homeschooled our first group of kids so maybe this stuff isn't unusual, but Ella is in 3rd grade and we've never had any of these issues with her.

My heart breaks for him that he has to deal with this stuff - for the rest of his life - just because he is a black child - and sooner then I will be ready - a black man. Mark and I both realize we can't possibly do that ourselves and are grateful we have friends and family in our life who can advise us. It's an odd spot to be in when you have to remind yourself to see these situations through a "racial" lense if you will. When you've grown up white in a primarily white community you just never think - I wonder if they said that, looked at me that way, hit me, pushed me etc. - because I'm white. I'm learning to do that for my kids, but am trying to walk that delicate line between being too easily offended or jumping on the - it's always about race - bandwagon, and being clueless to that fact that, yes it sometimes - lately, it would seem, often is about race.

Then last night Ella and I attended our third annual Black Nativity at Penumbra theatre. It is always so very uplifting and makes me so proud of the culture and history of my children - and how very grateful I am to be a part of their history as their parent. And so, although it makes me weary sometimes, I will press on because they have no choice and neither do I as they are my beloved children and I will do all I can to make them proud of who they are - because I most certainly am blessed beyond measure just being their mom.

Do Do Do - Another one bites the dust!

Well, it's been a week of sick kiddos at home. Only the third week of school and everyone's sick - except Shannon, thank you Lord. Christian and Jacob have been out all week, Callie missed 2 days, Ella has missed 2 and Chad has been so so sick. By some miracle of miracles Mark, Chris and I have somehow stayed healthy. It seemed as if we were just starting to hit some kind of stride with everyone in school for the first time in 29 years, but just a reminder that this family just keeps us a jumping.

It's funny how when they're really sick it's not so bad - they're just down, sleeping and lying around. Now that they feel better they're getting on each other's nerves and they're starting to step on my last nerve, if you know what I mean.

Mark and I had planned to paint our family room then rip up the carpet and he was going to install hardwood flooring this week. Sometimes it is discouraging how long it takes us to accomplish things due to interruptions of all kinds. I know it's part of the deal, but discouraging non the less.

The good news is the windows are open and it's beautiful outside. Now if I could just convince them that that's where they should be.

sick kids

We've had two sick kids for about a week.  Thankfully it seems to be contained and the other 5 still home are reasonable unscathed.  The boys, Christian and Jacob have had it the worst - missing several days of school - a fate worse then death.  After 4 days of a high temp. we took Jacob in and he had a double ear infection - poor baby.  He never complained of ear pain.  He can be a difficult kid to deal with and was pretty compliant while sick - I certainly don't wish him ill health, but the break from trying behaviors was a welcome one - does that make me a bad mommy?  Frankly my dear..........................

off school

Another teacher inservice day.  No school for my kids.  The good news is they slept in till 8 - awesome.  The better news is it's 11 and there have been no major fights of any kind.  I have 6 kids in the house - so that's pretty awesome.  

So, now it's 8:40PM - more then a few interruptions.  All in all the kids got along well today.  

Tomorrow night my son Conor and grandson Dominic are joining the 6 at home for dinner.  His wife, Shannan, is a standup comic and couldn't pass up a gig for Valentine's night.  So, lame as it is, he is spending Valentine's day with his mom and siblings.  Dominic just started walking and I haven't seen him on two feet yet, so am super excited.

Hopefully, we can keep Callie in particular from knocking him over.  She has developmental delays and is VERY impulsive.  She has no patience whatsoever for crying kids - fortunately Dom rarely cries, but you never know.  It's hard to take her anyplace where kids are around as you never know when she might be set off.  

I suppose I should get the kids snacked up for bed - 

Later -